I Wants My Precious iPhone

The essence of marketing is to create desire for something a buyer does not need. For who among us really needs a fantastically elegant piece of fluff that plays music, TV shows and movies, makes phone calls, sends email, and searches the internet all in one breathtakingly small package? Why, it fits in your hand. Steve Jobs is a master at creating products that bring out the Gollum in us all. Wikipedia points out that Gollum got his name because of the disgusting gurgling noise he made in his throat. Learning that Steve Jobs Macworld  keynote introduction of Apple’s new iPhone could be viewed in its entirety, Linda and I sat down and watched. Not twenty minutes into the presentation I could hear strange gurgling noises. “What’s that noise?” she demanded. “It’s you, isn’t it?” I replied. My god! We were both making Gollum-like noises while lusting for our very own iPhones so we could do all the cool things that that devil Steve was showing us it could do. Half way through the presentation we paused to change our shirts which were covered in the drool that can only be produced by Mac addicts. “It scrolls like a roulette wheel,” cooed Linda as we returned to view more about our precious. “When you turn it sideways, the picture turns sideways, too,” I offered thinking I actually could strangle Deagol for one of these babies. Steve, in his corporate uniform of running shoes, beltless blue jeans and a collarless long-sleeved t-shirt, looked about as happy as Satan with a new temptation. He was so excited I worried that he would pee his Levi's. Feature after feature was displayed and demonstrated: integrated contact lists, call merging, album flow (something I didn’t even know I wanted), multi-touch display, web browsing. He used his finger as a stylus! He found the closest Starbucks on a Google Map! He called them and ordered 4000 lattes (for he is Steve Jobs and can do such things). He listened to a voice mail from Al Gore. He wouldn’t stop. By then, Linda and I were lurching around the house on all fours. The iPhone had created a terrible hunger and we were soon snacking on raw fishes and tiny Orcs who had sought refuge in our house during yesterday’s blizzard. “Let’s buy Apple stock,” she began to mutter. “Buy Apple stock. Buy Apple stock.” But no one really needs an iPhone,” I hollered in a moment of lucidity. “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “Everyone will want one. They are precious.”
Actual photo of us at the end of the iPhone presentation.

Comments

[Victor B Mattaur]

I wasn’t sure of the noise I was generating so I’m glad to hear the prognosis of gollum’s decease. I’m also delighted that you watched the presentation in wonder with someone who could totally enjoy the experience with you. My wife is a practical woman who insists on using the FREE LG phone that Cingular provided 2 years ago, no matter how bad the sound quality. She didn’t understand my excitement nor did she comprehend the beads of sweat that formed on my lower quivering lip as I watched and re-committed to a device that I really do not like. Now,,,.. do not get me wrong, I currently have the Razr which is a really cool and sexy phone, however I hate answering calls. So my wife said that I needn’t bother with the new iPhone because I currently do not answer calls with the cell phone I have and my response was, “are you kidding, if I’m going to continue to ignore call’s, I have to do it while surfing the web and listening to music and besides, I get the option of deleting messages without ever listening which supports my philosophy of ignoring people.” P.S. buy stock; it’s a sucker’s bet.