Staredown

I used to watch every sport that played across the TV screen. Baseball, football, hockey, lacrosse, even roller derby. I was a sports fanatic, eager to see the action, obsessed with the result, identifying with the participants. As the years passed I lost interest, eschewed the Final Four, Wimbleton, The Superbowl, the World Series, the Rose Bowl and the Stanley Cup. They seemed unimportant, corrupted somehow by scandal, drugs, big money and narcissism. The only sport that seemed relevant was golf which was totally individual, self-policed and void of trash talk. Yet viewing  a golf tournament is often akin to watching grass grow so lately I only tune in to LPGA golf which has the added of attraction of Paula Creamer’s pink ball, Michelle Wie’s super long legs, Annika’s nifty calve muscles and Natalie Gulbis’s superb overbite. I digress. Please excuse. The point here is that I have discovered the ultimate in sport. (No. It’s not cage fighting). It is the relatively unknown sport of “Staredown,” practiced by a growing cadre of dedicated professionals. They are professionals in name only for there is, as yet, no money to be made as a member of NASP, the National Association of Staredown Professionals. The sages are fond of saying that “The eyes are the windows to the soul.” Staredown is the competitive manifestation of this ancient wisdom. The official historian of Staredown has source evidence that the sport originated in ancient Egypt. It is very difficult to explain Staredown to the uninitiated. Helpfully, a young film director, J. R. McCord, has created an hour long documentary (Unflinching Triumph) that details the origins, history and evolution of professional staredown. The film features an up and coming Staredown professional named Philip Rockhammer and follows his progress as he tries to rest the title from five time winner, the Michael Jordan of Staredown—Tony Patterson. The documentary is sympathetic to Philip’s trials because, frankly, Tony Patterson is somewhat of a jackass. Indisputably, however, his patented move, jamming the jackhammer, messes up opponents and allows Tony to win victory after victory. Philip has a couple of moves as well, specifically—wrestling the woodpecker and sailing to Ecuador on a boat made of shoestrings. (The moves are impossible to describe). The Staredown community is small and tight. They are focused on success and victory. The rewards are esoteric to be sure and, in Philip’s case, were it not for his girlfriend Chrissy who supports him, pays his bills and drives him around, he would not be able to compete. Director J. R. McCord follows Philip and his entourage as Philip attempts to discover his inner Puma and defeat Tony for the national championship. Pure sport is hard to fathom. Staredown is as pure as it gets. In Staredown the normal sports metaphors, clichés and trite sayings gain freshness. Staredown opens up the possibility of new athletic fantasies. One yearns to grab the Visine and give it a try. The documentary is highly recommended, nearly as profound, in its own way, as Supersize Me or An Inconvenient Truth.
To wet your appetite you can see the trailer here.

Comments

[dave andersen]

In East LA and other dangerous parts, staring can get you killed. Called
"maddogging," it evokes our so called reptilian brain which says someone who is staring at me is thinking of 3 things to do to me: Feed on me, F**k me,
or Fight me.

Go to a zoo and try to stare down any of the major predators. See what happens after a few minutes.

It pays to be shifty eyed in real life.

[R Blog]

Those maddoggers need to turn pro and go toe to toe, eye to eye with Philip Rockhammer.