Plumbing the Secrets of the Universe

Spirituality, according to last week’s  Newsweek, is a concern of many Americans. There are many blogs that try and stay on top of the subject (including Brian Hines’s very interesting and provocative  Church of the Churchless). And although I would like to be in touch with The ONE and enjoy what is referred to in the spiritual biz as an “ecstatic experience,” some days what’s really important is finding a good plumber. This is as challenging as, say, finding the right guru or teacher. For the Bell Curve rules our universe when it comes to competency. This means that 90% of gurus, spiritual teachers and, yes, plumbers are, in fact, not entirely competent. Oh, they may be able to hook your pipes together. But will they be able to keep the flow moving at a constant rate?
Returning to Ashland recently our water bills indicated we had leak. I called the City who came out to view the meter which wouldn’t stop turning. “You have a leak,” they told me. I put my primitive, animistic plumbing skills to work. I prayed to the God of Plumbing to help me. I got no help. The leak continued to make the meter turn, torturing me like the rotations of the inquisitioner’s rack. I turned off toilets and sinks. running back and forth to the street to watch the little blue dial. Still revolving. A mystery leak for sure. Visions of giant holes being dug around the yard searching for the secret.
We conferenced. We would need a plumber. Who should we call? Over the years a number of plumbers had visited us and explained certain secrets that only they know. Even with all their help we couldn’t keep our flow at a constant rate. The tub took a long time to fill. We had accepted our low water pressure. We had learned to almost enjoy the dribbling shower. However, we knew, from visiting other people’s homes that water often blasted out of taps, that showers could redden the skin with a rejuvenating thrust of H2O.
Opening the phone book I went through the list of plumbers we had used. Nice people. Pleasant. Fair. But, did they know the secret of the universe?
Sadly, I had to conclude they did not. I decided to pick a new plumber. I opted to choose one from Medford. Perhaps I was tired of philosopher plumbers (as most contractors in Ashland have Masters degrees in arcane subjects). I actually used my pendulum, slightly rusted from inactivity, to dowse a couple of ads and chose a firm who advertised “leak detection equipment.” A team of plumbers arrived the next day. There was a knarly old guy with calloused, nicotine-stained fingers and his handsome young apprentice. They were excited about plumbing. In five minutes they discovered a subtle leak in the toilet and a dripping hose bib. In thirty minutes they were gone with the promise to send a specialist the next day to finish the job (replacing toilet parts). Team one only did outside work. Like prophets they told us that one greater than them would surely come.
Bob, the Plumber came the next day. He was clearly a Master and radiated a confidence that a spiritual adept might interpret as, well...love. There was a dynamic, hydraulic kind of energy exuding from his person as he tore into our toilets and shower valve. As he worked, he talked, and his disquisition was like a symphony of epiphanies. Everything he said made sense. Linda and I smiled at each other, love struck with Bob the Plumber.
Then he asked us a question that gave us chills. “Would you like to have more pressure?” How could he do this? Could he do it? We had many questions. But as the wise ones have written, “When you are in a pit and someone throws you a rope and offers a way out, don’t ask why or how, just grab the damn rope.”
“YES!!” we shouted. “We want the pressure. We want to feeeel the pressure!”
After Bob left we were happy yet felt a bit bereft. Everything had been so clear while we were in his presence. We wondered if there was anything else we could ask him to do so we could call him back at $85 an hour plus $40 travel charge from Medford. But, he had told us we would be okay, that our pressure was good and that we could maintain it. He had answered all our questions and  we will go with the flow, knowing that if we do have a problem Bob will be there for us.

Comments

[Sarah]

Shoot, we need Bob the plumber up here in Portland. Probably his travel charge would be more than $40 though.

[Jane S]

OK Randy, neat story. NOW. Midst all the ephiphanies and waves of love, did the idiot meter dial stop turning? Have you been left in Hydrodynamic Heaven, or in la-la-land? Renew our faith in pendulums, please.